I’m not sure if it’s a smidge of neurodivergence or stalwart desire to be contrary at all times, but I never understood the phrase “kill ‘em with kindness.” It’s sort of a way of life for so many women, and I find it dizzying, dumb, and off-puttingly self-involved. (Says the woman with no friends.) As a phrase, “kill them with kindness” is often attributed to Shakespeare in The Taming of the Shrew, and it’s not even used in its full context: “this is a way to kill a wife with kindness, and thus I’ll curb her mad and headstrong humor.” (Since when is headstrong humor such a bad thing?) As an idiomatic expression, it means that the killer is to be overtly solicitous with the intention of causing their “prey” discomfort or harm. It’s petty, and usually, I’m okay with pettiness. This form, however, is steeped in cowardice and, I believe, is rooted in even more duplicitous motivations.
Before we examine just why I hate this phrase so much, there’s an important distinction that must be made between “nice” girls and “mean” girls.
Last week, I shared the above sentiments from Anna Dorn’s LARB article about the new Taylor Swift documentary to my IG stories. My DMs were swiftly overtaken by “mean girls masquerading as nice girls” to browbeat and “well, actually” me into submission, as well as a few “nice girls masquerading as mean girls” to thank me for the representation and for my service. (“Braver than the troops,” one said.) I recognized something about the former while they were berating me—once they realized their complaints were being thrown at a person who could not possibly care less, they started doing the “kill ‘em with kindness” thing. Again: dizzying, dumb, and off-puttingly self-involved.
This sort of behavior, though pre-dating our current clap-back economy, really thrives in modernity. The one thing women want more than wanting the women they don’t like to know they are unliked is for the women they do like—and also men—to not know they dislike the women they dislike. This is why they do their bidding in a vague way that only other women, with that all-powerful woman’s intuition but still leaving some reasonable doubt for casual onlookers, can understand. I know. It’s confusing. If you had to go back and re-read that sentence, I’ll try to distill it a little more succinctly: women want to be petty but they don’t want you to know they’re being petty. (Apologies to any men reading this, I’m aware that I may have broken your brains, but once you see it, you can’t unsee it, and I want to think that you’ll thank me someday.)
Women love to put on the “kill ‘em with kindness” act as a veneer to portray themselves as taking the high road, but to actually live that way requires a lot of vitriol and spite. (Not to mention a room temperature IQ—sorry, but it’s true.) That kind of quiet resentment is worse than loud brusqueness. Genuinely kind women tell it like it is. This is why I’m a bitch. This is why I’m a “mean girl.” Add some long blondish hair, great tits, and a German car and you have yourself a real “public enemy number one” situation. It’s not easy doing life as a gregarious softie who is somehow always universally-unliked, which is why I choose to just tell it like it is. If I’m going to be a perpetual bête noir, I’m doing it my way. (Mostly because I wear my emotions on my face so I am all but entirely incapable of obscuring my feelings.) This is why I, and so many other “mean girls” must wear our meanness like a little black dress and high heels—the dress fits us so well—tailored to hug every curve—the shoes make our legs look great, but as soon as we get home, we’re slipping that dress off and leaving the shoes at the door.
Shedding the moralistic layer to the “mean girls who are actually nice” and “nice girls who are actually mean” dichotomy, there is a certain kind of relational aggression that is entirely palpable once you know what to look for. As mentioned, the “kill ‘em with kindness” act requires a lot of vitriol and spite. Consider, why is Regina George seen as the ultimate mean girl for striving for popularity, scrutinizing her body, and gossiping, when every other female character in the movie is doing the exact same thing? Because she’s ambitious? Because she’s beautiful? Were the actions taken against her justifiable because she drives a German car and she’s outspoken in a very direct kind of way? (Okay, I may be turning a bit self-referential here, but you know what I mean.) The true mean girls veil their disdain. They shroud their venom. They look like nice girls on the outside, and they work hard to keep it that way. I can’t help but roll my eyes and laugh when I see yet another “mean girl masquerading as a nice girl” navel-gazing about self-love for the sympathy of others. They put on “kill ‘em with kindness” in public then congratulate themselves for their thinly-veiled hatred in private. It begets more hate, it is such an unattractive quality. This is why all of my friends are also bitches. They’re also “mean-girl presenting.” We’d rather be blunt than fake. It’s much better this way.
Mean girls (who pretend to be nice) flock together. They can be found victimizing themselves and conjuring up sympathy that serves to further alienate the other kind of girl. They’re the real bullies. Nice girls (who pretend to be mean) are the snarky ones in the corner making fun of the other girls for being so predictably palatable. They only look like bullies. These two are completely incompatible as friends. If you find that your haters are mousey do-nothings and your friends are sexy and successful, congrats: you’re a nice girl masquerading as a mean girl.
If you find yourself reckoning with a woman whom you have deemed to be a “mean girl,” I recommend perhaps reckoning with the mean girl within first. If you’re the type though, I doubt you made it all the way to the end of this article.